asking for help is hard

the rest is easy

if you see yourself laughing at the screenshot above and think that how can it be so accurate. this blog is for you.

ever texting a friend and asking for support but removed the message after all because you thought “it’d be a waste of their time”, “this is too much to ask for”, “I don’t wanna disturb them”?

our society has taught us to toughen up and to hide our vulnerability so much that asking for help almost feels like a joke. remember not so long time ago the story about a 35 year-old man asking for CV referral and it was perceived as a failure, regardless of the contexts?

and it seems normal that we the independent generation are used to the idea of being on our own, living in a strange city, commuting to work everyday and taking good care of ourselves when our parents are not around, especially those whose the love of being single is too much that they hate the idea of relying on someone even if it’s a good partnership.

I used to be like that till I realize the courage it takes to ask for help. it’s actually not the ask itself but the fact that you have to admit to yourself that you’re being incapable of something, whether it’s because the lack of energy, time, resources or even money. it has to do with lower your ego down and be okay with seeking support from others.

it’s the inner story we tell to ourselves that prevents us from asking. and if we try to rewrite the stories, we can also expect a better ending, instead of crying on our own.

learn how to recognize and validate your authentic need

the most important baby step to take is to be aware of the areas you need support with, and then start with small action steps around your that.

ask yourself if you know when to ask for a reschedule when you’re not feeling well, if you’re ready to let your friends know that you need someone to just be there and listen to your struggles without judgement, if you need a referral letter to the company where your friend’s working at, etc. you name it.

learn how to build your supportive net and trust that they can help you

you can name anyone and anything on your circle to be on your supportive net, including your family, your bffs, your partner, your neighbor, your mentor, your cat/dog (yes, that lil fat ass counts),… but not limited to the apartment building guards where you live, the doctor who you would visit for an annual check up, that inspiring Youtuber you watch every time you feel down, the tarot reader you call to hear a message from the universe, etc.

try to list down your supportive net and use the bull-eyed circle to mark them in different circles depending on their roles in your life and the connection between you and them. have an emergency contact in your mobile phone when the help goes urgent.

yes, sometimes you are lucky enough to have a close friend who can sense that you’re not okay and reach out immediately to offer you help. but remember that’s not always the case.

your supportive net loves you, and they can love you even more when you let them. ❤️‍🩹

learn how to effectively communicate what you need

I understand that the initial step of asking for help feels like the hardest part, but once done, it actually build stronger relationships between you and your supportive net. (or in worst case, you realize that the person you were asking weren’t actually your supportive net as you thought, but let’s look at the positive.)

I remember one occasion when I had a food poisoning at night time. I threw up multiple times continuously and my stomach hurt a lot. Before it went too bad, I already took up some meds from the Pharmacity downstair yet I was worried sick. I could barely sleep or rest comfortably so I reached out to my close friend, telling her specifically about my situation and that I needed her to stand by if she has to come pick me up to the hospital (She lives 5 minutes away from my place and her phone number is in my emergency contact list).

tldr; I slowly recovered from the food poisoning when the meds kicked in, but I didn’t forget to ask for help before the thing went out of control.

so, if you’re about to ask for help:

1. be specific and contextualize the request: instead of a hey message or “anh oi/ em oi” and then disappear, explaining your context and your requests as detail as possible. also, make sure they know whether you need empathy or actionable solutions so they can prepare for more suitable responses.

   ❌ I need help with my project.

   ✅ I need you for a quick online 15-min call interview for a case study that I gotta do while applying for this job.

2. right time, right place: unless it’s urgent, avoid requesting assistance when you know that the other person is stressed or busy. or be ready to give them time to accept your request when you state the urgency.

   ❌ Tuanmon calls Tung (his former colleague at his new company) during work hours and says: “Hey Tung, I need your help with this task right now. Can you drop whatever you’re doing and help me out?”

   ✅ Tuanmon sends a message to Tung, saying, “Hi Tung, I could really use your help with a task. Can we schedule a time to talk when it’s convenient for you?”

3. frame your request: show your authenticity and use positive language when you seek for support and let it not sound like you’re demanding a request.

   ❌ You need to help me with this.

   ✅ Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to proceed. Could you help me with this?

4. highlight the impact: motivate them by letting them know that their help is appreciated and that it would help strengthen the relationship.

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we live in a world where connections are rooted in us. by practicing the art of asking for help, you’re opening yourself up to the people around you and strengthen your supportive net at the same time.

I want you to remember that you’re not alone, you’re always worth seeking for support, and how brave you are to let others help you live better and be the better version of yourself, mentally or physically.

to receive help is also to help. you’re helping yourself accepting more possible outcome to your life, with less struggles and tears.

thank you for being my biggest support by reading this. this means a lottttttttttt 💝!

gratefully yours,

Han from work in progress

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a 30-day writing challenge of Writing On The Net.

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