mind if I get to know you again?
(or just a lil bit closer)
I met someone new this week, a friend of a friend of mine. In the middle of our conversation, I randomly asked him to introduce himself to me (without using the answer to the so-called question “What do you do for a living?”). He laughed, then paused, and actually didn’t know how to. We both agreed that we rarely tell others about ourselves when we first met, in a casual setting like a mutual friend group specifically.
“We might just get to know along the way with other questions, I guess.” - quoted N.
I didn’t remember how exactly we moved the conversation forward. But deep down inside, I knew I had great fun hanging out with them that night. Something moved in me. Some ideas sparked. Something they said that made me take notes the next day before my brain filters it out under many many other priorities at work.
We adults make friends and get to know others in a very different way compared to how once we had friends from the neighborhood, elementary schools or at universities. Friends now mostly come from ones who are (or used to be) colleagues at work. Some we are not even sure if we know anything about them other than the KPI they achieved last month with you under one team, the project you once shared the pain working on or that one team-building trip you attended together. Our colleagues live a completely different life after work, and outside of work. So do we.
In a productivity and performance-driven era nowadays, we often see ourselves mention others first by their job titles aka what make them seem value most to us. There’s this engineer I know who just got promoted with double the salary at work. Or this girl who’s 3 years younger than me but she’s managing a team of 5 people. Often we seemingly ignore what comes after, or behind those labels and business cards we exchange at networking events. Often we forget to ask what makes those things so important that they remove all the stories and layering thoughts inside one person.
Often we forget people are built of and lived through stories.
If I could get to know you again (or just a bit closer), I’d like to get to know you across the whole arc of your life, where your past - your present - and your future feel equally important to me.
I want to get to know you in the utmost intimate level of soul, intellection, and heart.
I want to know why you chose that sport in the first place and why not something else. I want to understand what has shifted your relationship with your parents and other family members. I want to ask you what it means pursuing that career and what drives you forward every single day. I want to listen to what’s behind your stressful sleepless nights and that your health is threatened by some weird symptoms that you might have never had heard of. I want us to discuss what are the things we most look forward next in this second half of the year.
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Sometimes I wish I could re-get to know my friend like I meet new people. You know, like when you meet someone new on the dating apps and suddenly there’re so much more to tell the other person, and so much more that you’d be curious to listen to them for hours of coffees and cocktails.
How would it turn out if I met someone who doesn’t know there’s a whole life I’ve lived before they came along.
The life that contributes to who I am today, with parts still lingering to this day. The life with stories that triggers responses in me when others do something with zero intention to hurt me, but it hurts anyway. The life that I’ve lived through, from a baby girl who wanted to paint her whole room pink to one who now mostly wears black and white (sometimes blue!), from speaking aggressively to quietly bringing a calm presence to the room. The life of someone who once studied math and physics and chemistry intensively for university entrance exams but now sometimes struggles to read and understand data at work.
Even the ones we’ve known for 10 years might as well have evolved to the versions of themselves that we never expected. It goes the other way around. Sometimes friendship drifts apart in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes without any specific reasons. Sometimes just because we don’t ask each other meaningful questions. Sometimes we drop in check-in messages without being thoughtful enough. Sometimes we forget to be genuinely curious about the other’s life. Your friend might have just developed her new hobby but she never posts a single Instagram story about it. Your other friend now wants to shift his entire career path but he’s too shy to reach out and ask for your help connecting with relevant industry people. Your friend now writes in the public (real) yet you don’t find yourself resonating with those narratives.
Friendships start to feel off. Unfamiliar. The person you thought you’d known for a really long time now suddenly feels so different, like they’re not your friend friend anymore.
In a better scenario, you and your friend are put in contexts that let you get to know each other again. Perhaps through work. Perhaps via discovering a new mutual friend. Perhaps Facebook memories remind both of you about that day when something significant happened. That might be your rare but precious chance.
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Friendships aren’t just about direct messages and quick emojis. They are held and expanded through stories—real ones, vivid and full of detail.
Friendships, or any kind of relationship, need intentional curiosity to bond, to heal, to deepen, and to grow.
If I could get to know you again, would you be willing to open up so we can see how each other sees the world—just a bit closer this time?
This is such a good piece, so touching and heartfelt. Love your writing <3